Are My
Nylons on Straight?by Jak Klinikowski
Part Two of the Continuing Adventures of Ineeda Willingbottom
If you've been on Mars for the past two months, you missed the opening volley in the Adventures of Ineeda Willingbottom "A Bitch Slap Away." Before proceeding here, it is highly recommended that you meet Ineeda in part 1.
Ineeda sashayed past her fuming friend, smoothing her dress and fluffing her hair.
“Take a big old chill pill, Hortence. I’m sure you can manage to twiddle your thumbs for a few more minutes while I check my lips, then I’ll be good to go,” Ineeda breezed into her bathroom for the umpteenth time.
“You are the last word in Bitch, Ineeda. Look over here. I’m picking up my car keys and I’m headed to the door, and your lavender ass better be right behind me, or you can walk.” Hortence was on her feet and clickity clacking down the hall in her four-inch strappy sandals. As she passed one of the many full-length mirrors strategically placed around Ineeda’s condo, she gave herself a passing inspection. She had to admit, she had damn fine legs for a man in a mini-dress.
“Okay, okay Hortence, I’m ready. Would you be a dear, and fetch my ermine from the hall closet?”
“Ineeda,” Hortence stopped dead in her spikes. “It’s the middle of May and this is Dallas, Texas, not Fairbanks, Alaska. What the hell do you need a fur wrap for?”
“Well, honey, because it looks so heavenly with my ensemble. Besides, Hortence, you know I always try to make a glamorous entrance whenever I face my adoring public.”
“My God, you’re the most arrogant creature living. If I hadn’t known you my entire life, I’d swear you were George W Bush in butt-pads. Here’s your dead animal skin. Let’s go.”
“Thanks, ever-so darling. You’ve always been such an older sister to me.”
“Ineeda, we are exactly the same age. Where the hell do you come off calling me your older sister?”
“Bitter, bitter now, Hortence, you know perfectly well that your birthday’s in January and mine’s in August. Why you’re practically of a different generation.”
“You know something, Ineeda? If I wasn’t such a lady, I’d hike up my dress, kick off my heel, and beat you silly with it.”
“Now, Hortence, stop. I thought we were in a hurry. Anyway, you broad-shouldered linebacker, you’ve never worn anything remotely resembling a dress, at least they don’t look like dresses on your fat ass!” Ineeda scooted by her dropped-jawed companion, and all but skipped to Hortence’s waiting pink Volvo.
* * * * * * * * *
“Ineeda, late as
ever,” Billy opened the front door of his lavish art-deco home in a
snit. “Hortence, I thought you promised me you’d have this Diva here no
later than 9:30. It’s now 10:45!”“Oh get a grip, Billy, I’m here now, and I’m quite sure you’ll get over it, so lay off poor Hortence. I’ve already given her enough shit for fifteen heart attacks.” Ineeda strolled elegantly into the large foyer her fur draped Hollywood style over her bare shoulders. Hortence stayed a good six feet behind her, sticking out her tongue and making faces.
“I can see you in the hall mirror Hortence, and you can put that slimy snake back in your over-painted mouth. People might think you’re having a seizure. Now, Billy, are we here to pout or are we here to party?”
“Ineeda, I can’t stay angry with you for a second. It’s just that I don’t think my heart could have stood it much longer if you hadn’t gotten here. You know how very important your presence at my party is to me.”
“Stop, Billy.” Ineeda held up her elbow-length purple-gloved hand. “As Bette Davis always said, ‘I detest cheap sentiment’.”
Billy looked as if someone had relieved themselves on his shoes.
“But, sugar, I secretly adore it!” Ineeda threw her outstretched arm around her host’s neck and kissed his cheek. “Billy, if you’ll lead the way, I am ready for this shindig.”
Billy escorted Ineeda, Hortence following, into the oversized, high-ceiling living room. The furniture was placed along the walls and the carpet taken up to accommodate dancing. A mobile disco sat in the far corner by the sliding glass door to the pool area. Dozens of guests mingled easily from indoors to out.
Billy escorted his guest-of-honor on to the middle of the floor, and the dance music died. The D.J. started playing a soft overture.
“Ineeda, Hortence,
if you two goddesses will join me on the love seat, it’s time for the
presentation of the cake.”Ineeda smiled and waved to several acquaintances as she took her place next to Billy on the red-velvet couch. Ineeda, in her grand fashion, took up so much room, that poor Hortence was forced to step awkwardly behind and stand over the couple’s heads.
The crowd formed a large circle around the perimeter of the room and the disco-lights faded. A crimson spot focused on the center of the floor, the music swelled, and two shirtless cowboys in 501s pushed a massive cake into the room on a table with wheels. They stopped a few feet in front of the Birthday Boy and Ineeda.
Suddenly the top of the cake flew off and a compact, muscle-bound gym bunny popped out of the opening, shaking and gyrating. He resembled every cover-boy of Pumping Iron magazine that Ineeda had in her closet. The two cowboys helped him from the hollow cake, and he began an extremely vulgar routine, involving a great deal of crotch cupping, in front of Billy. The crowd whistled and catcalled.
“So Darling,” Billy yell-whispered into Ineeda’s ear, “what do you think of Little Davey?” Billy stared directly at the stripper’s package. “He’s not exactly small is he? I picked him special for you.”
“You’re awful sweet, Billy, and he’s hot and all, but he looks a little too royded, if you know what I mean. However, I am fascinated by that cowboy on the left who helped push out the cake, the good-looking one with the deliciously big behind. You simply must introduce me.”
* * * * * * * * *
“Hortence, Hortence--will you--just a min--stop a sec--SHUT UP!” Ineeda held the phone directly in front of her face as she screamed. When she no longer heard a voice on the other end, she once again placed it to her ear.
“Darling, I know I left you at the party, but it’s not like you rode with me or anything, and besides, you’re a big girl now. You don’t need me to hold your hand.”
Ineeda again held the receiver away from her head, as a new barrage of obscenities bellowed forth. She placed her hand over the mouth piece and batted her eyelashes demurely at the drop-dead hunky cowboy standing in her living room.
“I’ll be off this thing in two shakes, Terry, and then you and I’ll get better acquainted.” Ineeda returned her attention to the conversation with Hortence. “You and Billy will have to muddle on without me. I simply must talk to this gentleman about a horse.”
Ineeda slammed down the phone, and in a very unladylike gesture, yanked the cord out of the wall jack. She adjusted her gown, and glided across the room to her guest. She slowly placed her hand on Terry’s chest.
“You’ve no idea what it’s like having to deal with all these obsessed fans. It’s more than I can handle sometimes.” She leaned in to accept Terry’s hug.
“Why that’s awful, ma’am.”
“It’s the price of
fame, I suppose.” Ineeda slid her fingers down Terry’s pecs, than
reached out to take his hand. “Let me show you the rest of the place,
and stop calling me ma’am.”Ineeda led the young cowboy directly into her boudoir, positioning him so that her enormous circular bed was to his back.
“Honey, I just have to get out of this outfit. Would you be an angel and help me with this?”
Ineeda turned and Terry carefully pulled down the straining zipper. The dress dropped, unceremoniously, to the floor and Ineeda spun around to face her gorgeous visitor. She pushed him backwards onto the bed, and immediately knelt between his legs, spreading his knees far apart.
“You sure know how to take charge, ma’am,” said the wide eyed cowboy.
Ineeda smiled wickedly.
“I have a motto I live by handsome: nellie in the streets, butch in the sheets.” She clapped her hands twice and the room plunged into seductive darkness. “And stop calling me ma’am!”
Not the end by a long shot...
Please let Jak Klinikowski know what you think of this saga