  Families Like Mine: Children of Gay
Parents Tell It Like It Isby Abigail Garner HarperCollins, 2004 Hardcover, 258 pages, $24.95 ISBN: 0-06-052757-9 The issue of gay marriage is constantly in the news these days, and a related issue of gay families (with children) is gaining increasing visibility, as well. Abigail Garner's book, Families Like Mine, is a valuable resource in discussions that might arise from these issues. The contributors to this work are the children of GLBT parents, interviewed and quoted by Garner, an able spokesperson for gay families. But Garner has some surprising concepts to pass along about gay families and their children—both second generation GLBT children and heterosexual children. As I read, it became increasingly clear that I knew very little of the real issues that gay families, and especially the children in these families, face. They may not be what you might think, either. For example, I did not realize that rather than possibly feeling ashamed of their gay parents or unwaveringly proud of their gay parents, the children most often feel protective; and when asked to speak about their family life, they will usually tell the interviewer what they think the interviewer wants to hear, rather than reveal any problems they might have had growing up with GLBT parents. They skew their own experiences on the side of presenting themselves as living normal and even boring lives. "The fear that LGBT parents will be blamed and politically penalized for having less-than-perfect offspring forces these issues underground...Being out as an LGBT family but always feeling the pressure to demonstrate that everything is 'fine' can feel like leaving one closet for another." Garner concludes this discussion with this statement: "LGBT families should be allowed to be just as wacky, troubled, or complex as any other American family. It is the truth of our humanity—not the myth of 'perfect' conformity—that will one day help LGBT families celebrate full equality." Nor did I realize that LGBT parents often receive the news that their child is gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered with a great deal more anxiety than if their child is "normal" or straight. It's an odd twist to realize that often GLBT parents have internalized the very same homophobia that the larger heterosexual society often views LGBT people with, so that they feel as if they have failed in their parenting when a child turns out to be queer. Says Garner, "This stigma against queer kids of queer parents perpetuates a cycle of shame around queerness—a cycle of shame that LGBT communities need to be committed to eliminating on all levels." But even more surprising, perhaps, is the way the queer community itself tends to treat the children of GLBT parents. Garner ably points out that children are generally raised in a setting where most of what the children become comfortable with is a community of gay people, and they internalize the culture of that community and make it their own, and yet when such children of queer parents become teens or young adults, and when they are heterosexual, the queer community often rejects them at gay events and become suspicious of the heterosexual children that have been raised by queer parents. "But as children grow up, LGBT people—including their parents—are surprised when they want to stay involved even if they are straight." Garner calls such children "culturally queer, erotically straight." "By choice and by habit, culturally queer adults feel a special connection with LGBT people and are drawn to places that reflect their heritage, such as coffeehouses, bars, and community gatherings." So, in essence, the straight children of LGBT families can actually suffer from "straight shame." "[LGBT] parents need to be cognizant of how this intentionally queer upbringing influences, and at times skews, children's perception of heterosexuality," so that the heterosexual children in their families actually feel uncomfortable about admitting that they are straight. These are just a sampling of the ways in which Garner, herself raised by gay fathers, tends to turn our assumptions about gay families upside down. In addition to some surprising issues that children of GLBT parents face as they themselves become adults, Garner also introduces some useful terms to add richness to our discussion of gay families. One of them is "straight shame," as shown above to reveal how straight children are eventually rejected by the gay culture they were raised in. Other terms are "homo-hostile" and "homo-hesitant," which give us a more precise way of looking at the spectrum that is homophobia. Besides being a clearly written book about gay families and what the children raised by queer parents have to say on the subject, Garner's book is also a resource that can be used beyond reading it. She includes a kind of workbook at the end with a list of questions that can be used to begin a brainstorming session about what it means to be culturally queer, whether one is gay or straight. I have used acronyms and many GLBT terms freely in this review. I have sometimes used LGBT and sometimes GLBT, sometimes "gay," sometimes "queer." As an older gay person, of course, I have my preferences in how I think of myself. I feel uncomfortable using formerly derogatory terms to describe myself and my GLBT friends. But an important lesson to learn in this book is that besides the similarities children from GLBT families experience, they have as diverse experiences as children of heterosexual parents do. Garner includes a solid list of LGBT family resources, including organizations, films, and books for adults and for children in the appendices to this book. I recommend this book to GLBT parents, friends of LGBT families, single queer people and "homo-helpful" people, as well as children from gay families. |
  Abigail
Garner is the creator of FamiliesLikeMine,
a website for LGBT families. Her writing has appeared in publications
throughout the country, including a commentary in Newsweek that earned her the
Excellence in Journalism Award from the National Lesbian and Gay
Journalists Association. She presents lectures and workshops on LGBT
families for colleges, businesses, and conferences. She is a graduate
of Wellesley College and currently lives in Minneapolis. |