JakIneeda-HandWelcome to the Continuing Adventures of Ineeda Willingbottom
by Jak Klinikowski

Episode V: Where Do Cowboys Come from

Ineeda-2Where Do Cowboys Come From?

“I swear to God, you are the luckiest bitch in the state of Texas,” said Hortence.

“We may be talking on the phone girl, but I can see how pea-green with envy you are,” giggled Ineeda.  Ever since the night before, when Terry proposed, Ineeda had been riding on clouds.  Terry was taking a shower while Ineeda lounged in bed, gabbing with her number one sister.

“You know Hortence, I thought I knew what love was all about, but I didn’t have a clue before I met my cowboy.  I swear I have never known such happiness.”

“Oh please, can I throw up now or do I have to wait until we hang up?”

“Don’t be catty Hortence, I’m sure little old cupid has an arrow saved for you.”

“I don’t know about that Ineeda, but if he does, he can shove it up his tiny patoot.”

“Why Hortence, I simply can’t believe how bitter you’re being.”

“Sorry Ineeda, I’m just jealous is all.  I really am thrilled for you sweetie.”

“Thanks Hortence, you’re a real pal.  Of course you’ll be my Maid-of-Honor won’t you?”

“That’s me, always your maid.”

“Now stop Hortence, you know I love you more than my make-up.”

“Okay, okay no need to get mushy.  So did you show Terry how much you appreciate that giant stone he gave you last night?”

“And then some.  My jaw is gonna be sore for a month.”

“Well,” cackled Hortence, “I always knew your mouth was good for something other than insulting me.”

“Very funny girlfriend, but your feeble attempts at humor are not going to get under my skin.  Nothing could possibly upset me today.”  Ineeda stroked her pussy Pity Pat, as she cuddled next to her.  She noticed how brilliantly her new ring sparkled in the sunshine that flooded in through her boudoir window.

“I tell you Hortence, this ring sure is a dazzler.”

“Ineeda, how much do you think that boulder set Terry back?”

“Oh I don’t know.  It’s gorgeous, but the damn thing’s so big I’m sure it’s a CZ.  It sure does shine in the morning sun though.”

“That’s because it’s real,” said Terry.

Terry stood in the bedroom doorway wrapped in a skimpy lavender towel, water dripping seductively from his hair down his long neck.  Ineeda looked at Terry, then she looked at the ring, then she looked at Terry, and then she looked at the ring again.  She repeated the process three more times.

“Hortence honey, I’ll have to call you back, I’m about to faint.”  Ineeda slammed the dainty handset back in the princess receiver, and sat bolt upright on the bed, causing poor Pity Pat to jump to the floor.

“Okay Cowboy, I want you to explain to me exactly how an apprentice stripper can afford a rock the size of a cocktail onion.  You haven’t worked since the night we met.  I figured you had a little money stashed away, but my Lord, you’d have to have enough cash to stuff a queen-size mattress to afford this little bauble.  Did you rob a bank or something?”

“I did get the money from the bank, but I withdrew it from my account.  I sure as hell didn’t steal it.  Truth is Ineeda, I’m sorta filthy rich.” 

Terry walked to the chest-of-drawers by the side of the bed.  He pulled out a pair of checkered boxers, dropped his towel, and stepped into the shorts.  He wadded up the damp towel and tossed it, basketball style, across the room into the dirty clothes hamper.  Ineeda, having absorbed Terry’s last statement, began to hyperventilate.

“You’re rich!  Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Calm down sugar, calm down.  I always meant to tell you, but I wanted you to fall in love with me, not my money.  I wasn’t really a stripper when we met.  You just assumed I was.  I was helping my buddy Little Davy with his act.  His regular guy had another gig that night, and I thought it might be fun to give it a try.  I never thought it was gonna be the night my life changed forever.  I fell for you faster than a bull ride, Ineeda.  You started looking after me from the get-go, and I liked it.  I waited to tell you about my money, until I was sure about how you felt.  I figured I’d leave things be for a while and see if you really wanted me or if you’d boot my ass out after a couple of weeks.”

“But I fell in love with you the minute I saw you,” protested Ineeda.

“I was pretty sure you had darling, but I had to make certain it was gonna take.  When I heard you tell that asshole Ronnie that you loved me I was convinced, and that’s when I bought the ring.” 

Ineeda’s head was spinning faster than a disco queen on ecstasy.  She braced herself against the headboard, and tried to get a grip on the situation.

“I am totally unnerved Terry.  You need to tell me all about yourself, and you need to start from the beginning; I’m talking childhood.  I want to hear about your people, and your past.  I want details, and lots of them.”  Terry sat down on the bed facing Ineeda and placed his hand on her trembling knee.

Ineeda-1“Okay, here goes.  You know I’m from Roswell.  I already told you that.  What I failed to tell you was my Momma and Daddy owned the biggest ranch in southern New Mexico.  I own it now, actually.  My Daddy was a wildcatter in west Texas before he met Momma.  He made a fortune in the natural gas fields outside of Fort Stockton.  He met Momma when he went to Roswell to buy the ranch from her uncle.  From what I’ve been told it was love at first sight, kinda like you and me honey.”

“What do you mean, from what you’ve been told,” asked Ineeda?

“Momma and Daddy were killed in a plane crash outside of Midland when I was three years old.  I don’t really remember them.”

“Then who took care of you?”

“My Grandma, the wildest woman I ever knew till I met you.”

“Go on,” said Ineeda.

“She was my Momma’s Momma, a real jet-setter from all accounts.  She was living in Cuernavaca with her fifth husband when she got the news about my folks.  Her husband wasn’t gonna budge, so she left his ass in Mexico.  She came home to Roswell, took over the ranch, and raised me like I was her own.”

“Wasn’t that a hell of a lot of responsibility for her?”

“Not really, she was born and raised on the ranch, so she knew how to handle things.  Besides, we had plenty of hands and a foreman to oversee the operation of the spread.  She just kept an eye on the money and property my folks left, and concentrated on me.  Fact is, once I got old enough to attend the Institute she got bored, and opened up her own business in downtown Roswell.  She’s still running it to this day; The New Mexico UFO Museum and Gift Shop.  It’s a big success.”

“What the heck is the Institute?” asked Ineeda.

“The New Mexico Military Institute; every man in my family has gone there for high school.  My Great-Great Granddaddy founded the school.”

“I’m beginning to get the picture,” said Ineeda.  “But you’re 32 years old now.  What have you been doing since you left the Institute?  You don’t strike me as the type to sit around counting your money.  You must have done something.”

“I didn’t inherit any money until I turned thirty.  Everything was held in trust, kinda like how Elvis did Lisa Marie.  My Grandma insisted I go to college.  I went to New Mexico State in Las Cruces; got me a degree in agricultural management.”

“Then you went home to run the ranch?”

“Naw, I married my college sweetheart, a terrific little barrel rider from Deming.  We tied the knot and hit the rodeo circuit.”

“You’ve been married before?” shrieked Ineeda.  The new revelation took Ineeda by total surprise.  She sprang from the bed and headed for the kitchen to fetch a nice calming Diet Pepsi.  Pity Pat and Terry followed right behind.

“So tell me about this wife of yours.”


“Whatever, just tell,” Ineeda demanded.  Ineeda pulled two cans out of the fridge.  She reached into the drawer to the left and took out one of her “special order” purple drinking straws.  Ineeda sat down at the kitchen table, popped her soda, and inserted the straw into the hole.  She placed the second Diet Pepsi on the table for her cowboy.

Terry grabbed a tin of Pity Pat’s favorite Fancy Feast from the cabinet next to the sink, opened it, and dumped the contents on her plate on the counter.  The cat immediately jumped up to the Mexican tiled surface, and began devouring her breakfast.  Terry joined Ineeda at the table, picked up his soda, and downed half of it before continuing.

“Her name was Rita, and she looked like a cute teenage boy.  That’s what I found appealing I guess.  I knew I liked guys, but guys who were sorta like girls if you know what I mean.  Rita seemed like the perfect answer, but she just didn’t have the right equipment.  Turns out we had something in common though.  Rita left me, after six years, for another barrel rider named Marsha.  By then I’d had enough rodeoing, and my inheritance was about to kick in, so I went home to the ranch to do some serious thinking.”

“How did you end up here in Dallas?”

“Like I said, my Grandma lived a pretty wild life for a lot of years, and it didn’t take her long to figure out my story.  She’d known quite a few gay men in her day, and she said there was absolutely nothing wrong with loving your own kind.  She told me I wasn’t ever gonna see what she meant if I stayed in Roswell.  Since I had enough money to wallpaper Georgia, I decided to get out into the world and do a little exploring.  I knew my old buddy Davy was a dancer here in Dallas, so I called him up and he invited me for a visit.  When his regular guy couldn’t make Billy’s birthday gig, he asked me to fill in, and that’s when I met you.  You know the rest, sweetheart.”  Terry reached across the table for Ineeda’s hand and held it tightly.

“I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you Ineeda.  All I want to do now is spend my life making you happy.”  Ineeda squeezed Terry’s hand as tears formed in her eyes.

“Baby, you have been making me happy since the minute I spotted you at the party.  Thank you for telling me about your past.”

“Shoot Ineeda, I never intended to keep it a secret.  I was just waiting for the right time to tell you.”

“Well, now you have, and we can start planning our future from this second on you big handsome cowboy.”

Ineeda-3“I’m ready for that honey, but turn-about is fair play.  I don’t know squat about your people or past.  Don’t you think you ought to return the favor and enlighten me?”

“Oh Terry, I think we’ve dredged up enough ancient history for one day.  Besides, it would simply take me forever.  I’ll tell you some other time.”

“That’s okay, Ineeda, you can wait and tell me all about it on our trip tomorrow.”

“What trip?”

The one we’re taking to Roswell.  We’re driving there in the morning.  Since you agreed to marry me I think it’s time you met my Grandma, and the rest of my kin.”

“What?!”  Ineeda jumped up from her chair so fast that it went tumbling over backwards, and Pity Pat shot out of the room.

“Why Ineeda,” said Terry, “are you trying to get me horny?  Your mouth is open twice as wide as it was last night.”

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