When I Knewby Robert Trachtenberg
Paperback: 128 pages
$22.95
Publisher: Regan Books (May 31, 2005)
ISBN: 0060571462
The subject matter is mentioned nowhere in the jacket flap enticement or introduction, but one of the critical differences between When I Knew and other first-person gay accounts, is that coming to the realization that one is GLBTQ is a very different proposition than “Coming Out.” One of the 80+ contributor knew when kindergarten pictures were being taken that he was “gay” even though that realization was far different than coming out to his parents, teacher, or peers at five years of age. Yet another kindergarten student had no conception or education about being a lesbian, but she was already trying to figure out how she could become a boy and grow up to marry her beautiful kindergarten teacher!
The When I Knew subjects share funny, bizarre, peculiar, and sometimes poignant instances not so much of the long and feared process of “coming out” to friends and family, but rather that electric moment in time, the lightening strike, when it became clear within themselves that they were different, that they were gay or lesbian.
Most of the “moments of truth” are short and lean heavily to the humorous side of things such as John Bartlett’s confessional: “I knew at seven. My favorite pastime was shutting my eyes during “The Dating Game” and listening to the guys’ voices to see if my pick would match that of the female contestant. I couldn’t wait to grow up and be on the show myself, picking my own bachelor number one, two, or three.” (p. 58) Michael Shulman produces laughter with this revelation: “I went to Choate Prep School. All the boys in my hall got Sports Illustrated. I seemed to be the only one with a subscription to Women’s Wear Daily. (p. 70).
One example of both the humor and clever design found in When I Knew are the side-by-side identical picture out-takes of Ron Ely as TV’s “Tarzan” (pp. 20-21). The left page, in blue monotone, features Jeff Judd’s hilarious remembrance of being seven years old when the light dawned: “I was lying on the floor of the living room, watching an episode of the “Tarzan” series. I kept sliding closer to the TV, sort of looking under it, trying to see under Tarzan’s loincloth. Seven years old. Go figure.” On the facing page the exact same image of Ely’s “Tarzan” character rendered in green monotone features Village Voice writer and actor Michael Musto’s personal breakthrough accounting.
If the LAMBDA Literary Awards devise a category for the most stylish gay and lesbian book in print in the past year, When I Knew will be declared the uncontested winner. The book is a joy to behold and is so much fun that it belongs in every GLBTQ person’s library. But, do not hide the sheer wonder and creativity of the talented team that conceived and designed When I Knew. It does not belong on the GLBT bookshelf. It should be on the coffee table for EVERYONE who visits to browse. Even granny will laugh out loud when she reads Eddie Sarfaty’s “Second Guessing Grandma,” a wonderfully humane and funny tribute to a 95-year-old grandmother’s valiant, humorous, and ultimately successful understanding of her grandson’s homosexuality.
The real reason When I Knew belongs on the coffee table instead of being hidden away on a book shelf between Rubyfruit Jungle and Best Little Boy in the World is its stunning visual style. In truth, When I Knew was compiled and designed by Robert Trachtenberg and illustrated by Tom Bachtell, but this classy, sassy, smart, funky, and wonderfully colorful book design makes use of virtually all print media available. Give full credit to the designer and illustrator on the title page for this glossy book, but also expect to hear a little voice saying, “Wow! Some incredibly smart person brought together all the best illustrators and designers of the New Yorker, GQ, Instinct, Out, Blue (Magazine), Architectural Digest, Town and Country, and perhaps even Cowboys & Indians and The Santa Fean and cheered, “Go for it. Put together the slickest, most stylish, and fun book you can about how people discover their gayness. And, with great relish this dream team – make that truthfully the exclusive duo of Robert Trachtenberg and Tom Bachtell – succeeded beyond publisher 10ReganBooks’ wildest dreams. Indeed, the only thing that may be missing from When I Knew is a CD or DVD in the book sleeve of gay divas performing Ethel Merman standards.
The media seems inexhaustible. Yearbook and personal snapshots abound as do stunning black-and-white art photographs, glitzy magazine photos and air-brushed celebrity visuals of such past and present gay icons as Judy Garland, Barbra, Burt Reynolds, Lily Tomlin, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors, comic book characters, original New Yorker-style cartoons, vintage movie posters and camera stills (Marlon Brando kissing Miyoshi Umeki in Sayonara), TV photos and out-takes such as Ron Ely as “Tarzan” (TWICE!) and an unbelievably young and handsome Alec Baldwin as TV’s “Dr. Hal Wexler” in the short-lived “Cutter to Houston” (My God! No wonder Michael Thomas Ford was heartbroken that Alec did not love him in return!), and diverse classic record album covers that range from The Village People to the Original Broadway Cast Recording of “The King and I.”
While the emphasis is on humor and sprinkled with accounts from such famous people as comedian Bob Smith, actor B. D. Wong (“M. Butterfly”), and Broadway playwright and director Arthur Laurents (“West Side Story”), the majority of the chronicles and memoirs are from a remarkable cross-section of gays and lesbians throughout America. Not all the self-reports are side-splittingly funny either. Yes, Howard’s Bragman comment on his “knowing” is a great one liner: “I knew I was gay when the most exciting part of my Bar Mitzvah was meeting the party planner.” (p. 5) But, Robert E. Bryan writes of heartfelt pain as he chronicles a day in his senior year of high school when the twelfth-grade government teacher (who was also the high school football coach) spent an entire class period stoking the fires and leading a cruel discussion among the students of “queers” as perverts while Robert sat stunned and came to the terrible realization that his entire class was really describing him. (pp. 18-19) How, too, was Tom Gilbert supposed to share his seventh-grade yearbook with his father when a classmate had written with indelible blue ink, “Your [sic] still a nice kid even though your [sic] a fairy. Phil.” (p. 43) These are recorded painful moments that keep When I Knew grounded in reality. The laughter is wonderful and even somewhat therapeutic in its own special way, but the poignant stories should also remind adults that “the moment of truth” for legions of gay youth is not necessarily the stuff of comic routines or one-liners. The stories of Robert and Tom should cause all GLBTQ people to be more aware. One of the most heart-breaking self-revelations is John McPherson’s “I don’t like baseball or softball; never have, never will.” (pp. 78-79). A contemptuous and sneering look from his former babysitter’s new naval officer husband crushes John’s joy for Broadway musicals as surely as a sledge hammer would. If one macho man’s scornful glance can make an otherwise joyful youth just being himself feel devastated, why can’t knowing smiles from a GLBTQ persons or any caring human beings regardless of sexual orientation make more young people feel glad as opposed to sad when it is their turn to complete the statement: “When I Knew.”
Jerry Flack
Denver, Colorado