For
almost two years of publication of The Independent Gay Writer, Jeffrey
Williams has contributed social commentary on the state of the glbt
community. He has, in effect, become our conscience, drawing our
attention to the sometimes unpleasant, sometimes unseemly side of our
gay society—or the ways in which the larger society impacts us.
In this issue he has written two pieces. He can be contacted here.• Is Gay Monogamy Realistic?
• Abuse in Our Commuity: the Hidden Epidemic
 Is Gay Monogamy Realistic? (Part 1 of 2) by J. Williams As a gay man in a long term relationship with my partner, Ivy, for three years, I know that the traumatic experience of most gay men in growing up in a homophobic culture, along with their conscious struggle to liberate themselves and forge new kinds of relationships, have led many to reject the conventions of heterosexual couples. Indeed, many gay couples openly break the most hallowed of these conventions by espousing and living in "open relationships" (something we have considered ourselves), in which either or both partners are free to explore and enjoy outside sexual encounters. This disregard of convention can be looked upon almost as a source of pride and liberation. Within the gay community, knowing the meaning of non-monogamous relationships, I believe this position can be considered akin to political betrayal. To suggest that sexually open relationships are not necessarily only a lifestyle choice, but may reflect fears of intimacy and commitment, is regarded by some (i.e. The Christian Right) as tantamount to dismissing gay relationships or, even worse, demonizing gay men. Many men in our society, in spite of sexual orientation, have been raised to feel more taciturn than women about revealing a need for intimacy and compassion. This fear of appearing emotionally susceptible is exacerbated in gay men by widespread social attitudes that, in their influential years, have labeled them "effeminate" or "girlie-men." Many gay men (me included) have experienced shaming experiences during the early course of their gay identity development, most often from other males—either father figures or peers. When gay men finally acknowledge their desire for a partner, the joy in the experience is often tempered by a fear of repetition of earlier traumatic rejections. An open relationship can be a way for a gay man to defend against exposing his need for closeness and nurturance from his partner, and to protect himself from possible rejection. Nonetheless, I'm convinced that all successful couples—gay and straight—must learn to balance their need for closeness and distance, intimacy and freedom. And for a couple to survive the developmental milestones of their relationship, they must have an ability to accept and express vulnerability, commitment and mutual trust. Finally I’d like to say that I take a nonjudgmental stance about the kind of relationship they (open relationships) build. If neither is endangering himself or others, I do not define my role as judge, but as an understanding soul. Rather than focus on the issue of sexual exclusivity, my goal in this piece is to reflect the dynamics I observed in interviewing many gay and straight couples in open relationships (part 2 of this series) and introduce novelty into the couple's ways of relating. For gay men, given our history of trauma, this often means introducing behavior that promotes emotional openness. Couples' therapy is often gay men's first opportunity to have their relationship legitimized. It can be deeply moving to see a gay couple experience for the first time what it means to openly express the need for closeness, and the desire both to nurture and be nurtured by another man. Therapy can help two men learn how to feel safe with each other, express for perhaps the first time desire to be close, and feel a profound sense of validation in the eyes of another. Something we all, as human beings, want from another at some point. |
Abuse in Our Community: The Hidden Epidemic by Jeffrey Lee Williams, Junior "One very important reason why it is so hard to find out how many gay men are battered by their mates is that the gay community would rather not know." —David Island
and Patrick Letellier
According to a new study, domestic violence occurs just as often among gay couples as it does among heterosexuals. In fact, according to the research funded in part by the National Institutes of Health in 2004, more than a fifth of the 2,881 men surveyed in New York, Chicago, San Francisco, and Los Angeles, had been physically abused by an intimate partner during the previous five years. It is a rate comparable to the incidence of domestic violence among heterosexuals. This study demonstrates that intimate partner abuse among urban MSM (men who have sex with men) is a very serious public health problem, wrote researchers in the December issue of the American Journal of Public Health. It sheds light on a subject that has long been taboo within and outside the MSM community, that is, men are also victims of battering and not solely perpetrators. In March of 2004, there was a meeting in Calgary, Canada of the Alberta Roundtable on Family Violence and Bullying. There were over two hundred representatives of service agencies, government, police, health care providers, and survivors of abuse. A psychologist with Edan Counseling Associates in Calgary, Jane Oxenbury, spoke of abuse among gay and lesbian couples. She pointed out that at least 33% of people in homosexual relationships are, in fact, abused. This is similar to heterosexual relationships, which makes sense because everybody learns this (behavior) through the same avenues. Oxenbury also said that she was encouraged with the progress that’s being made in the area of domestic violence, but is hoping the cause of gay and lesbian victims won’t be lost in translation. The problem for us is that it is still hard to report a problem to the traditional authorities. We are often worried that the person would not believe us, and for those who are still in the closet, we are concerned that we cannot talk about this without coming out about who we are. Some of us may even fear that our own community may disown us. After domestic violence has occurred, victims may be afraid they may lose their community, or that their friends will choose the abuser. The abuser may threaten to tell friends or family that the victim is gay. A victim’s partner may be the only link in the victim’s life that is associated with the gay community. That’s where the problem starts. Some people in abusive relationships will not report abuse because cops often will not know whom to arrest in a situation such as this. Victims are often left by police or arrested, thus creating more traumas. It’s traumatizing as a victim when you are trying to get assistance from an officer. Outside of the gay and lesbian anti-violence groups, there aren’t many organizations that provide services to gay and lesbian people specifically dealing with domestic abuse. The issue here isn’t whether domestic abuse occurs in our community and what we are going to do about it. Though help may seem so far away when you are a gay or lesbian victim of domestic abuse, there is help out there and it is imperative that you find it before it is too late. There have been a few cases here in the states and in Canada where gay and lesbian couples have been to court regarding domestic abuse. Though the courts in Canada are far more sensitive to the issue of abuse in alternative homes, here in the States there is still a sense of hope and faith in the judicial system. Former domestic abuse victim and gay counselor Katie Durant from Hoboken, reflects on her abusive relationship with her former partner Lisa: "Lisa was not abusive in the beginning," Katie said. "She was sweet and generous. About three months into our relationship, she began to change. She drank more than usual due to the loss of her job. Things were heading south, and fast." As I tried to continue with the conversation over the phone, I could hear Katie choke back tears, take a deep breath and continue. "Lisa really loved me, I know she did. But she was lost, I believe. Her hitting me was a way for her to relieve what burdens the world has oppressed her with. The reason I didn't leave until well over a year after the abuse started, was because I thought that she would change—or, that I could help her. In the end, I couldn't be a punching bag any more. Her drinking increased and the abuse intensified. I had to leave and when I did, I never looked back.” In a time where our president is seemingly making it his business to appoint anti-gay judges to the Supreme Court, still pumping his fists in the air against gay marriage, and basically telling us we do not matter (regardless of getting 23% of the gay vote), there are places to go for help. The most notable organization is the local Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Organization which works closely with the LAMBDA Association. This article is intended to help gays and lesbians who are in abusive relationships to find the courage to get out, get help, and get better. It is important to know that you are not alone, and that there is never any reason good enough for a partner to physically abuse you. We know that gay male domestic violence exists. We know it shares similarities with heterosexual domestic violence, but it also has unique issues and qualities. We know gay victims want and need help. As individuals, we can open our eyes and our hearts to our neighbors and friends experiencing this very real tragedy. Our efforts also must have the foundation of our community, appreciating that once we have the understanding and support of the gay community, we will have a network of resources second to none, and most importantly, the silence will be broken. |